Byron – On the Taming of Litigiousness – 066

My dear friends,

Since I am to take Litigiousness as my assigned vice, I shall do so with a flourish worthy of a courtroom drama — though I promise mine will be more entertaining than the actual thing.

The problem, as I see it, is that the fear of being sued has strangled invention and muzzled expression. A man cannot utter a jest, nor paint a likeness, nor design a flying machine without first consulting an army of lawyers, each charging by the quarter-hour to remove any possibility of offence.

My remedy is simple: abolish the court of law and replace it with the Court of Spectacle. All civil disputes shall be settled through public performance, attended by the whole community, and judged by popular acclaim.

The wronged party must present their grievance as a play, poem, or song, complete with costumes and supporting cast. The accused must answer in kind, mounting a counter-performance of equal splendour. The audience — preferably well-fed and a little tipsy — will determine guilt or innocence by applause, laughter, or jeers.

Compensation, if awarded, will be paid not in coin but in services rendered: the loser must cook for the winner’s household for a year, build them a folly in the garden, or compose a sonnet cycle in their honour.

This will have several salutary effects: petty complaints will be dropped for fear of public embarrassment; those with legitimate grievances will have their day not in dull litigation but in glorious theatre; and the arts will flourish as never before, fuelled by the irresistible lure of victory.

If nothing else, the world will be far more amusing.

Yours in defiance of the barrister’s bill,

— Byron